The Weight of Insecurity: My One-Year Journey

Hi, welcome back.

Today, I want to tell you about one part of my life that I’ve been carrying for an entire year now. This might be triggering for some, but I need to share it.

I’ve been overweight my whole life. But the thing is—I never felt insecure about it. Never. I was always the confident one. The girl the guys wanted. The one the girls felt intimidated by. Guys would look at me and think, she’s so cute, I want her. And honestly, I liked that.

Up until three years ago.

That’s when I started my LLB Honors degree. Google calls it the second most difficult degree in the world, and trust me, it felt like it. I was excited, though, because law was my passion—and I graduated, by the way. But during those three years, something changed.

I’ve always been bullied—teachers kicking me out of class, gossiping about my personal life to my classmates, never really having good friends. And for most of my life, that didn’t bother me. Even today, not having friends doesn’t sting the way you’d think.

But what did start to bother me was something I never thought it would: male validation.

I don’t know why. I’ve never been a “pick-me.” But deep down, I always liked knowing that at least guys thought I was cute, that I had a good personality. Except, as I grew older, I realized something heartbreaking: they never liked me for my personality. They only liked me for my body—my boobs, my ass, the way I walked. That was it. Not because I was smart, or funny, or sharp, or ambitious. And when that reality hit me, it shattered me.

Along the way, I made mistakes. I gave chances to the wrong men. My university was fairly new, and the guys… they weren’t it. I asked a guy out once, and it destroyed my image on campus. I stopped caring, or at least I told myself I did. But in reality, I broke even more inside.

And then came the weight.

When I started my degree, I was 75–76 kg. By the time I finished, I was 92. Fifteen kilos heavier. I told myself I’d lose it for my siblings’ weddings—and I did, temporarily. But after my brother’s marriage in January 2024, things at home weren’t good. I slipped into depression. I ate. I binged. I lost control. My skin, my gut health, my mental health, even my hair—everything started falling apart.

By September 2024, I weighed 92 kg. And when I saw that number, my world shattered.

I tried everything. Gym. Pilates. Crash diets. Keto. Carb cycling. Protein diets. Starving myself. Nothing worked. Not even a single inch. By April 2025, my doctor suggested Ozempic. I was desperate. I tried it. And in five months, I lost those 15 kilos.

Today, I’m back at 77.8 kg. The weight I was three years ago.

But you know what’s not the same?
My insecurity.

This is the heaviest weight I’ve ever carried.

Just a few days ago, I had a crush on someone. He hinted that he had something to confess, and for a moment, I thought he was about to ask me out. Instead, he said: “I used to like your friend.”

My friend, who’s now married. He told me that the moment he found out, he backed off. On the outside, I laughed it off. On the inside, I was shattered. I cried. And I asked myself the ugliest questions:

Why her, not me? Is she prettier? Slimmer? Fairer? Does she have a better personality?

We’re the same weight, so why wasn’t I good enough?

And that’s when I realized something terrifying: I had lost something I never thought I would. My security. My confidence. Myself.

That is the biggest loss of my life.

So today, I made a promise. A real promise. No matter what happens, I will work on healing myself from within. Because no amount of weight loss, no number on the scale, will fix the wound if I don’t fix the root.

I know the internet is full of “solutions.” Journals, planners, trackers. I tried them all. None of them worked for me. So I made my own. I designed my own healing journals, the ones I now use every day. If you want, they’re there for you too—on Gumroad. You can check out my shop through the link.[www.tremendouslychaotic.gumroad.com] 

But more than that—this space, this blog, is where I’ll keep writing the truth. The raw, uncut truth. So maybe you don’t make the same mistakes I did. Maybe you don’t carry the same weight I still do.

Stay tuned. I have a lot to say.