Episode 5: Wanting Everything, Doing Nothing, and Finally Being Honest About It
Trigger Warning: This post discusses regret, financial stress, career uncertainty, insecurity, and relationship confusion. Please read with care.
Wanting the World but Avoiding the Work
I’ve figured something out about myself — and it’s uncomfortable.
I want a lot from life. I want stability, independence, money, peace, growth, comfort, and freedom. But the truth is, I haven’t always been willing to work consistently for it.
I quit a job I could have stayed in for another six or seven months. And yes, I regret it. Fully. No sugarcoating. I don’t know what happened in that moment — I just know that now I’m living with the consequences.
What’s done is done. I don’t dwell on the past — never have — but pretending I don’t regret things would be lying.
Procrastination Disguised as “Rest”
Yesterday, I spent the entire day watching movies. No routine. No structure. No urgency.
I keep telling myself, I’ll start tomorrow.
Tomorrow turns into next week.
Next week turns into never.
Even today, I delayed everything. I fasted, and I told myself I’d work after breaking my fast. And then I didn’t. Somewhere between dinner and exhaustion, I realized I almost forgot about my blog — the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t abandon again.
This blog matters to me. It’s my digital diary. And if I want to monetize it by May, I need to treat it like something real — not something I remember only when guilt hits.
This Blog Is Not a Sales Page
Let me be clear.
I am not here to sell you things.
I might mention what I use or what works for me, but this blog is not a shop. If I earn from this space, it will be through ads — quietly, passively — not by convincing you to buy something just because it helped me.
This blog is my safe space first. Income second.
Jobs, Money, and the Harsh Truth No One Likes
Here’s something I’ve accepted:
A job is more stable than a business.
I need a job. Desperately. In my field. Something I can put on my resume. Something that pays my bills.
The job market is terrible. I’m applying daily. I have connections. I have referrals. I’ve reviewed my CV a hundred times. I’m doing everything people usually suggest — and still, nothing.
Sometimes, things just don’t move when you want them to.
I believe in faith. I believe what’s written is written. But belief doesn’t excuse lack of effort — and I know I need to work harder.
Stability Over Hustle Culture
Let me say this clearly — in full caps in my head:
IF YOU DON’T WANT TO STAY BROKE, GET A JOB.
At least you know how much money is coming in every month. You can plan your life. You can breathe.
For me, the ideal setup is simple:
One stable full-time job
Two or three passive income streams
That’s it. No fantasies. No hustle porn.
Marketing, Avoidance, and Inconsistency
I market this blog on Pinterest and Tumblr — or at least, I’m supposed to.
The truth? I’m inconsistent. Six months in, and people still don’t know what this blog is about. I’ve changed niches because I was trying to fit into boxes that weren’t mine — mental health, weight loss, online income — none of it felt honest.
This blog is about my life. Period.
And if that means slower growth, so be it.
My Personal Life (Because This Is a Diary)
I’m in a situationship I don’t fully like right now.
I like him. I do. He’s better than a lot of men I’ve known — if I say something once, I don’t need to repeat it. That matters to me.
But I also hate the emotional imbalance. The nonchalance. The shift.
I know myself. Once I get the ick, I’m gone. I don’t chase. I don’t revisit. I don’t dwell.
Right now, I’m observing. That’s it.
Regret, Lessons, and Promises to Myself
This is the first time I’ve regretted leaving jobs — both of them.
Not because they were good environments (they weren’t), but because they paid my bills. And that matters.
Here’s what I’ve promised myself:
My next job must be in my field
It must go on my resume
I will endure it
It must pay my bills
That’s the priority. Not passion. Not aesthetics. Not dreams.
Survival first. Growth after.
Ending This Entry Honestly
I’m broke. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. And I’m tired of pretending I’m not.
But I’m still here. I’m still writing. And I’m not disappearing again.
If you have something to say, leave a comment. If you relate, you’re not alone. And yes — I know I need to go back to Tumblr. I will.
See you soon.
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