Episode 4: Seasonal Depression, Insecurity, and Learning to Choose Myself
Trigger Warning: This post discusses mental health, seasonal depression, insecurity, body image, weight loss, and self-worth. Please read mindfully.
A New Year, But the Same Heavy Feelings
Happy New Year. I genuinely hope the year that just ended was kinder to you than it was to me. And if it wasn’t, I hope this year brings you opportunities, softness, and moments that feel like relief.
For me, the new year didn’t start with excitement. Yesterday was not only the last day of the year — it was also my last day at work. And strangely, I find myself regretting quitting, even though I know why I did it. Right now, I technically have multiple income streams, but none of them are paying yet. That reality is heavy.
I had plans back in May and June 2025. Real plans. But survival took over. I was so focused on having some income that I stopped building toward my actual goals. Now, entering 2026, I’m standing at the starting line again — and this time, I’m choosing responsibility over blame.
January is my reset. Not magically, not aesthetically — practically.
Stability Is My Only Goal This Year
I don’t want chaos anymore. I want stability — financial, emotional, and physical.
I’m actively looking for a compliance or corporate legal role. I’m not ready for a master’s degree yet. What I want is to learn how to stand on my own feet, earn consistently, save, and build a life that doesn’t feel fragile.
This year feels like a make-or-break year, and I’m aware of that. Some things are out of my control — but my effort isn’t one of them.
My Body, My Health, and Letting Go of Excess
I’m still on my weight loss journey. I’ve come far — from 92 kg to around 73.7 kg — but my brain hasn’t caught up yet. I still see myself through the lens of insecurity. Progress doesn’t always feel real when your mind hasn’t healed alongside your body.
This year, I’m committing to sustainability. No extreme spending. No overconsumption. No unnecessary products. I’ve learned my skin only needs four things: a face wash, a serum, a moisturizer, and sunscreen. That’s it. My hair needs care, not panic. Losing weight affected it, and I’m addressing that patiently.
I want routines that support me — not punish me.
Faith, Boundaries, and Letting the Universe Do Its Part
I want to be transparent: I am a practicing Muslim. My faith is part of my life, and because this blog is my digital diary, it will naturally show up here. This space is not about hate or division. I respect people of all beliefs, genders, and backgrounds.
Some parts of my life are deeply tied to my faith, and I won’t erase that to make others comfortable. If that’s a trigger for you, please take care of yourself while reading.
This Is Not an Aesthetic Space
I need to say this clearly: I am not an aesthetic person.
I struggle with my self-image — my body, my surroundings, and how I present myself online. Pinterest is beautiful. People are creative. Their lives look curated. Mine isn’t.
I’m learning. I’m trying. And sometimes I’ll get it wrong.
If my Pinterest pins aren’t perfect, if my visuals don’t look “on trend,” please understand that this space isn’t about aesthetics — it’s about honesty. Growth is rarely pretty. Healing isn’t visually pleasing. And figuring yourself out is messy.
If you’re also trying to understand who you are, you’re not alone here.
Insecurity Looks Like Confidence From the Outside
People often tell me I look confident, put together, smart. What they don’t see is the noise in my head.
I bite my nails. I avoid photos because I still feel “too big,” even after losing nearly 20 kg. My brain refuses to accept progress. I used to love press-on nails — then I gave them all away because I wanted to feel comfortable as I am. Now I miss them. That contradiction lives inside me daily.
I don’t create aesthetic content because I don’t have the creative energy for it. I hate editing photos. I overthink everything I make. I prefer Snapchat filters because they feel safer. I own a good camera — I just don’t use it.
And that’s okay.
Usability Over Aesthetics — Always
I love plain spaces. Dark brown furniture. Wood textures. Green walls. Function over decoration. Usability over beauty.
The internet tells us what “aesthetic” should look like, but it rarely asks what actually feels good to live in. I’m not an influencer. I’m not a creative director. I’m a law graduate. A compliance analyst. A person who values practicality.
And I’m allowed to be that.
Choosing Myself This Year
This year is about letting go — of comparison, clutter, and the need to be seen a certain way. I’m choosing to focus on myself because I need me more than ever at 22.
This blog exists because I needed a place to talk at 3 a.m. And if you’re here reading this at a quiet hour, maybe you needed that too.
I’ve linked my Instagram and Pinterest in the sidebar. I’m finally treating Pinterest like a space to show up — imperfectly. Please follow along if you want. Be gentle with me. I’m still learning.
I’ll see you in the next entry.
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