Episode 3: Cluttered Thoughts — Living With Seasonal Depression
Trigger Warning: This post discusses seasonal depression, mental health struggles, job insecurity, weight loss and gain, body image, hair loss, and letting go of people. Please read with care.
Hi everyone.
Welcome back to Episode 3 of Getting My Life Back.
Today’s episode is not polished. It’s cluttered — just like my thoughts right now.
Hitting Seasonal Depression (And Not Fighting It)
I’ve officially hit seasonal depression.
And if I’m being honest, I’m not managing it well.
I’m not fighting it. I’m not fixing it. I’m letting it consume me.
I don’t feel excited about things. I don’t feel motivated. And what makes it harder is that the people around me — especially my sisters — are also dealing with their own lives. Everyone is overwhelmed, angry, tired.
Sometimes all I want is someone who can sit with me for a minute. Not to fix me. Not to lecture me. Just to listen.
And when that doesn’t happen, it hurts more than I admit.
Regretting My Resignation (Even When I Know Why I Quit)
Lately, I’ve started regretting quitting my job.
Not because the job was good — it wasn’t.
But because uncertainty is terrifying.
After this month’s salary, I don’t have a guaranteed income. I need to build one. That reality sits heavy on my chest every single day.
The job market is bad. Really bad.
And right now, applying feels pointless because of holidays, hiring freezes, and silence.
Still, I have rules for myself:
It must be in my field
Something aligned with my skills, not survival
I’ve never chosen the easy path — and I won’t start now. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare me.
Weight Loss Progress No One Sees
Today, my sisters casually said:
“What’s the point? Your weight is stuck.”
And it hurt more than I expected.
I lost 18 kg in six months — from 92 kg to around 74 kg.
That’s about 3 kg per month. That is not slow. That is not nothing.
I haven’t actively worked on weight loss in the last two months, so of course it’s paused. That’s how bodies work.
I still have around 14–16 kg to go if I want to reach the 50s. Another six months of effort. I’m willing — just not emotionally ready yet.
Progress doesn’t disappear just because it slows.
Hair Loss, Minoxidil & Choosing Cheap Solutions
Rapid weight loss comes with consequences — for me, it was hair loss.
I’ve started using minoxidil, and while it works, it also dries my hair out. So I’ve been experimenting with ways to manage frizz and dryness without spending money I don’t need to.
I prefer cheap, desi solutions:
I don’t believe in over-consuming wellness. If I can do mat Pilates at home with a $5 mat and dumbbells I was gifted, I’ll do that. I don’t need expensive memberships to feel disciplined.
Independence Over Everything
I want to say this clearly:
I don’t want a husband to “save” me.
I don’t want someone to provide for me.
What I want is:
My own job
My own income
My own home
My own life
I want financial independence so I can move out, stand on my own, and breathe.
That’s what I pray for. Every day.
Cooking, Comfort & Surviving the Day
I did cook today — chicken pulao using leftover chicken.
And honestly, that felt like an achievement.
Later, I had fries and tea. And for once, I didn’t shame myself for it.
Some days, survival looks like warm food and silence.
Holidays, Job Anxiety & Feeling Stuck
The holidays make everything worse.
Hiring slows down. Applications get buried. Even when I pass filters, it feels pointless because no one is really looking right now.
That lack of control is one of my biggest triggers.
I don’t like waiting.
I don’t like not knowing.
I don’t like being stuck.
And yet — here I am.
Why I’m Still Writing This Blog
This episode is messy.
Cluttered.
Unresolved.
But that’s exactly why this blog exists.
I don’t have answers yet. I just have honesty.
And if you’re reading this while feeling lost, depressed, stuck, or behind — you’re not alone.
Final Thoughts
This was Episode 3: Cluttered Thoughts.
No solutions.
No perfect ending.
Just real life.
Thank you for staying.
I’ll see you in Episode 4.
Comments
Post a Comment