The Day I Chose Myself Again (Through A Book and A Journal)
Hi. I’m a brown girl who has survived depression, academic struggle, and physical abuse since the age of five. But today isn’t just about what I’ve been through — it’s about what saved me.
I’ve always had two constants in my life: writing and reading. They were never just hobbies. They were the only places where I could be me. Safe. Seen. Held.
But before we talk about books, let me tell you the truth — my truth.
I was abused as a child. And yes, in South Asian households, the kind of physical discipline passed off as “parenting” was normalized for generations. It was always, "This is for your own good." But it left scars I couldn’t name. At 17, I went to therapy. My parents paid for it, and with time, they acknowledged what had happened. I’ve forgiven them. Not because it was easy, but because I needed to be free.
My entire life, I have struggled. Academically. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I’ve fought with my body, my mind, my grades — with the weight of expectation. But I’ve also loved. Deeply. Fiercely. Writing and reading were the only two things I never stopped loving.
Last night something changed.
There was a fight in my family — between my sibling and their spouse. Normally, I would’ve jumped in to fix things, to over-function, to protect. But this time… I didn’t.
Instead, I went to my safe space: the roof. It was dark out. I had my music in. I wasn’t walking. Just wandering, like I do every night. Thinking. Imagining. Feeling. That roof is where I go to be me. Just me. Not a daughter. Not a sister. Not anyone’s savior.
And for the first time, I spoke to myself out loud:
"You are 21. You’re an adult. You are not responsible for fixing everything. Your siblings are grown. If they need help, they can ask. And if they don’t? Then it’s not yours to carry."
I told myself that if they ever needed a shoulder to cry on, I’d be there. But
tonight, I needed my own shoulder. And so — I chose myself.
I went downstairs. Opened my journal: 30 Days of Soft Joy
. A prompt jumped out at me: “Things I Used to Love.” I chose it. Then I openedThe Day I Chose Myself — my other journal. And for the first time in 21 years, I wrote as someone who truly had chosen herself.
Then I picked up my book: Deception Trilogy, Book 2 by Rina Kent. That was my night. No chaos. No fixing. Just me. My journal. My book. My healing.
My Safe Space — How I Read to Feel Alive
Reading for me isn’t casual. It’s sacred. I lock my door. Turn on all the lights. Set the temperature just right — not too hot, not too cold. I sit in bed, surrounded by pillows like a fortress. My blanket. Maybe a candle. And then I read.
That first page — that smell of paper? It’s like an orgasm. It’s everything.
And the stories I choose? Always dark romance. Always men who are complicated, dangerous, protective. When I read, I imagine being held. Protected. Like that morally gray man would burn the world down for me. I sit in his lap — in my mind — and I am his. That’s the energy. That’s the safety. That’s the fantasy that heals me.
Reading is my therapy. More than therapy, even. If I had to choose between writing and reading — I’d choose reading. Every time.
My Top Reads — The Books That Held Me ( for all of these you can find the reviews in the links )
These aren’t reviews. They’re love letters.
1. Maid Series – 100/10 BOOK1, BOOK2 , BOOK3
This series? Home. Safety. Love. Everything I needed and more.
2. Monster Trilogy – Rina Kent – 9.5/10
Dark, obsessive, and protective. Just how I like it.
3. Deception Trilogy – Rina Kent – 9/10
I’m currently reading book 2. The reason I picked up a book again after losing myself.
4. Satan’s Affair – H.D. Carlton – 10/10
My first of its kind. Dark. Twisted. I loved every second of it.
5. Haunting & Hunting Adeline – 7/10
Beautifully disturbing. Not a favorite, but unforgettable.
6. Caraval Series – 6/10
Fantasy. Pretty. But didn’t hit me deep.
7. Verity – 6/10
Colleen Hoover did her thing. Creepy in the best way.
8. Hooked – 5/10
Good, but didn’t stay with me.
9. I Am Thunder and I Won’t Keep Quiet – 10/10
Powerful. Relevant. Raw.
10. Twisted Series – 4/10
Honestly? A bit too childish for me.
11. King of Pride Series – 5/10
Still figuring this one out. But I’m hooked.
Why I Created My Journals
Books saved me. But my journal brought me back to myself.
I don’t journal to be pretty. I journal to survive. To scream on paper. To cry in ink. To write like no one’s watching. And that’s why I created the 30 Day Healing Journal and 30 Days of Soft Joy — for anyone who’s walking through the fire and just needs a place to rest.
You can find them on Gumroad [click on the name of the journal and or linked in the sidebar as well]. Try them. Write in them. Talk to yourself the way you never could before.
If you read this far, thank you. Really. Thank you.
I’m still learning to choose myself every day. And if you’re still reading, I think maybe you are too.
Just remember: Your healing is allowed to look like candles and dark romance. Like music and messy journaling. Like saying no to things that drain you and yes to the things that light you up.
Because today — and every day after — I choose me. And you can too.
Comments
Post a Comment